Katelyn Renee Shumaker

(1999 - 2007)

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Memories

Mommy

Monday, October 10, 2011

Sitting here as I write this to you I realize that it was literally 4-yrs ago to the minute….I’m trying to not replay some of those memories not because I don’t want to feel you…its just too painful sometimes to remember “certain” things!! But I can’t stop it, the sounds, the smells, the sights, the complete and utter craziness…I wonder sometimes how I could have ever got through all that!! It is so easy to look like I have it all together but only you & God know my heart is aching and broken!

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you, treasure our times together, love you with all my heart, and wish so desperately that things were different and that we were together!! 4-yrs ago….I can’t believe it! It’s so surreal that it has been that long since daddy and I held you in our arms while you took your last breath! All day my mind keeps replaying the different accounts of that dreadful day that the doctor came in and told us you only had a few hours to a couple of days left with us!! Those words so….I am not sure there’s even a description of how that felt!! One could only begin to understand it if they were in that same position, watching their 8-yrs old daughter fading away!! You stuck with us for another 19-hrs or so until your body couldn’t endure anymore! Katelyn I need desperately for you to know that I will NEVER stop loving you, NOONE will ever replace you, and I will NEVER EVER forget you!! As long I have a breath in me you will ALWAYS be very near and extremely dear to me!! Heaven and Earth may be physically separating us but my love for you is keeping us together forever!!!!! As your headstone says…”You are an Angel who made a difference in the lives of those you’ve touched.” You truly WERE and ARE an Angel!! We were only so lucky to have had you in our life!! I love you my precious sweet pea with ALL my heart forever and ever!! Thank you from the ends of the earth for blessing my life and bringing all the joys of being YOUR mommy!!

With your memory, the strength I learned from you,
and with HIS grace I will march forth and
make you both proud!!!

Sending you hundreds of trillion Angel kisses and hundreds of million bear hugs, sent just for you on butterfly wings all the way up to Heaven!!

Mommy

October 10, 2011
The moment I knew that you had died my heart split in two! One side filled with memories, the other died with you! I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is so easy, I do it every day! But missing you is a heartache that never goes away! I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain! Life has gone on without you but it will never be the same!!

Mommy

Friday August 26, 2011

Started painting the kitchen today!! As I was painting the ceiling (not fun at all, LOL) I noticed a couple very small pink stains. I knew right away what they were from....your last birthday here on Earth!! Do you remember?? Your 8th bday party! We had pink silly string, Aunt Chelle walked outside and we attacked her as soon as she came back in. Silly string EVERYWHERE!! We freaked Audrey & Madi out because they were petrified for some reason of the silly string! ....For a second I thought about leaving the stains on the ceiling, unpainted, but went ahead and painted over them! :( I love finding little reminders of u throughout my days! I treasure finding little gifts from you! :) I love you so very much and no one and nothing will EVER take your place in my heart and in my memories! I just wish desperately you were still here with me...to play little pranks on people, cuddle with you why we watch tv, "sneak" you treats, and just hug and love on you!! I miss you with my ENTIRE heart baby!! Until we see each other again in Heaven YOU will live FOREVER in my heart!!! A million bear hugs and a trillion Angel kisses sent up to you on butterfly wings!!!

Mommy

Happy 12^th Birthday to my Angel!!

Tuesday May 24, 2011

I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions and I can NOT get off or even get it to slow down!! My first and only sweet precious baby girl is turning 12 and I do NOT get to hold you, I do not get to wish you the traditional Happy Birthday or sing you a song, watch you blow out candles or buy you presents or even just give you a hug!!! Instead I have to send my Birthday wishes through a prayer, sing the song staring up at the clouds, send your balloons up to Heaven, and wait for the breeze for a hug!! I know death and loss is something we all will go through and I accept that but it is NOT suppose to be your child before they even had a chance to really live their life!!!

My sweet Katelyn, I am all the time wondering what would you look like as you grow and mature, how tall would you be, what would your interests be now, what would your favorite color be or favorite activity. Where would we go this year for your birthday??!! Instead of creating new memories with you year after year I have to dream of what I think you would be like now and dream of what I wish we could do together and relive over and over the old memories!!! I deeply cherish the memories we did have my sweet Angel I just so desperately wish we had more time together!!!

Mommy

Monday, May 23, 2011

So sweet pea…What an evening!!!

I met your dad at the cemetery tonight so we could put up your birthday banner, like we do every year! We had just finished putting every together and it had stared raining so we ran to the car thinking “great we finished just in time!” LOL!!! You had different plans didn’t you??? Within just a few minutes the sky got very black with lightening all across the sky. And then the poles on the banner started bending forward pretty far!! I just sat there watching it wondering what would happen. Then the 40-lb zip ties we used to tie the banner to the poles broke and the banner was drastically flinging around! So we ran out of the car to try and save the banner. The wind was so strong the car door was pretty hard to even get open! Then as we take off running it starts hailing and not just small hail!! It stung as it hit my legs!! I had balloons in the car for you that I hadn’t put out yet but in the whole fiasco of trying to save the banner and get it back in the trunk the balloons flew away within a matter of seconds!! Finally after saving as much as we could we get back into the car soaked!!! I had to just sit there laughing!! I could picture you just sitting there in Heaven watching this all rolling and laughing so hard and squealing as we ran through this storm and the balloons whipping away!! I could see us telling you to calm down so you could breathe as we always had to when you got all worked up!!

I love you so very much!! I needed that storm as crazy as it sounds to throw me off a little and just relax and have fun and remember the good times!! Thank-you my sweet baby!! Happy (1-day early) birthday!!! So we’ll see if the banner can be put up tomorrow!! LOL I hope it’s not ruined!! I love you soooo very much!!!!

Sending you a million Bear hugs and a trillion Angel kisses up to Heaven!!

Mommy

Sunday May 8, 2011

Mother’s Day

My sweet precious Angel!!! I wish so deeply I had you here to hold in my arms!!! I should be able to hear your contagious giggle, see your beautiful smile, brush you soft hair, and feel your loving hugs!!! I know life is unfair to everyone but NOONE should ever have to watch their child suffer like you did and loose them at such a young age!!!!!!

The hurt and pain of loosing you is always tough but here recently a little more so than usual with loosing Mackenzie too, a completely different kind of loss but a loss none the less! She is 10-months old today!!! I pray baby that you look over her, she’s going to need all the extra prayers and Angels she can get!!! So pull your Angel friends together and keep an eye on her please!!

I keep thinking of our last Mothers Day together!! The pinkish/purplish fishing pole you got me!!! J Thought about taking it out today and going fishing, just you and me, but then I thought I’d have to actually take off a fish by myself if I caught anything so I quickly changed my mind!! LOL You and I can fish together in spirit! ;) I can picture you giggling so hard that I’d have to remind you to breathe if you saw me catch a fish while I squirmed trying to take it off of the hook!!! Remember when we were at GKTW and daddy went fishing and the fish jumped off his hook and was flopping all over the place and ended up flopping under your wheelchair??!!!! You laughed so hard!!! The funnier thing was you were almost asleep until you heard the fish flopping all over the place!!! My sweet baby I so badly wish we had more memories to make!!!!

I’m leaving for GKTW tomorrow morning with the church!!!! I absolutely can NOT wait to be there!!! What perfect timing!!! I can get away from here for a short time and focus on giving hope to families that need it so desperately!! I know exactly what they are going through and what they are feeling!!! I feel so close to you while I am there and already thinking about leaving there and leaving our memories there behind saddens me and I’m not even there yet! I miss you sooo much!! I am so thankful that I am able to go again, even got to go there a few weeks ago for the weekend!! I am so grateful!!!! Thank-you to my Angel friends here on Earth!!!!

Please sugar be with me over the next week, let me feel you hugs and kisses!! I need you now and ALWAYS!!! You are forever in my heart, thoughts, and prayers!!! No matter what life brings on you will NEVER be forgotten and NONONE will ever take your place!!!

Mommy

April 24^th Easter 2011

This should be the one day I rejoice, the day He arose giving us eternal life!!! I do rejoice in that but so deeply miss you and really feeling the unfairness of it all!! I should have you here in my arms!! We should be finding Easter eggs, sneaking candy, and giggling the day away! In the sermon today at church the Pastor was talking about “who would stand at your grave saying it’s because of you I believe in Jesus”. Katelyn it is because of YOU that I believe, it is because of YOU that I have my faith!! I know that there are so many that can say they learned this because of YOU! How extremely lucky am I to have a daughter as AMAZING as you!!!!! God had and has a real purpose for your life……just wish it was longer with me!! Happy Easter my sweet precious baby!! I love you with all my heart and no matter what is going on this crazy life I will never ever forget you and absolutely NONE will ever take your place in my heart!!

Sending you great big bear hugs and millions of Angel kisses!!....Till I can hold you in my arms again!!

Chasity Shumaker

Sunday April 3, 2011

Katelyn you have another new cousin!! Aiden Blair arrived early this morning!! We finally have a second boy in the family!! He is 7-lbs 3oz and 19 ½-in long. He came just 1 day early. Everything went well! Aunt Jessi did great and Aiden is healthy as can be ! He is so cute, he looks identical to Kolten when he was just a little thing! Keep watch over us all sugar!

Mommy

Monday January 17, 2011

Oh my sweet precious Angel!! I was looking back at some of your pictures and I can’t believe how tiny you once were!! J It’s hard to believe sometimes!

Today was a great day, flooded by all amazingly great memories of you tonight!!! It’s been awhile since I had so many good memories! I absolutely LOVE meeting new people and telling them all about you!!! I could talk and reminisce of you FOREVER!!! J Im sitting here just smiling from ear to ear thinking about you!! Remembering your face on how preciously indescribable it lit up when you got to meet Cinderella!!! Remembering my tears of joy and gratitude from that single moment! I got goose bumps just thinking about that afternoon! And remembering how you would always try to get me in trouble with daddy and he had no clue what you were trying to tell him!! ;) Of course I wouldn’t help you in tattling on me!! J You were so ornery, loving, and absolutely sweet and beautiful in so many ways!! I wish all days could be like today in remembering you like this!! I truly can not wait till I hold you again in my arms!!!

Kitana asked me just this morning why she couldn’t die to get to Heaven? All she wants is to see her daddy one more time!!! How do you talk to a 6-yr old about that when deep down I want the exact same thing!!! Im an adult and don’t understand sometimes! All I want is to just be with you, so how do I explain it to her??!! I pray sugar that you stay with her and watch over her as she moves on to the next chapter of her life!!

Loving you with every breath I take!! Night sweet pea!!

Mommy

December 31, 2010

My precious sweet Angel!! I can’t believe another Christmas and another year has passed since I’ve held you in my arms!! L I think of you all the time, constantly replaying memory, after memory, after memory! I’m missing you so much it hurts so deeply, not much different than 3-yrs and 2 1/2 -months ago, just showing it less and portraying it differently. Christmas Eve was especially hard this year, no particular reason, just was! I have been missing you so desperately but I sense you near me!! Sometimes I feel you watching over me and I’m so extremely grateful for that!! When I think back on how much has changed since you were here on Earth and to think that this is my 4^th Christmas without you I just shake my head is disbelief! As much I hate to admit this life has moved on all around me, even my own! With that guilt sets in among of so many other mixed emotions!!!! This is all so hard to comprehend sometimes and to really put in words the unfairness, the heartache, and the roller coaster of emotions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart just brakes a million times over again when I hear of another parent loosing their child! When one has gone through it they desperately pray that NOONE will ever have to go through it again, although sadly that prayer is never answeredL

My sweet baby, please keep a little closer eye and “wing” on a few extra people right now!! You know who they are!! ;) I love you with all my heart and with every being in me!!! ……till we embrace each other in the biggest bear hug ever!!! Happy New Year to you and all the other Angels in Heaven!!

Love you~ Mommy

Mommy

November 25, 2010

My sweet precious Angel!! During this Thanksgiving Holiday I am remembering you and wishing with ALL my heart that you were here with me! I am so extremely thankful for every memory I have of you and eternally grateful for all the time we did have together! What an amazing gift I received when I got YOU as my precious daughter, how lucky am I???!!! Loving you so deeply words can not truly express!!!

Getting ready for your Christmas Memorial Service!! Not sure how to decorate your table this year. Send me a message in my dreams tonight sweet pea and give me some ideas!!! ;)

I love you with ALL my heart!!

Mommy

October 10, 2010

3^rd ANGELversary!

To think it has been 3 long years since I have held you in my arms!!! I sit here in disbelief that it has been that long!!! It feels like yesterday that we were playing together, hiding from grandma when she came in and then sneak attacking her with water guns!!!! J I think of all the Angels that are in Heaven with you that went way too soon and the extreme pain that their families are going through!!! I wonder sometimes does it really get easier with time??? It gets different!!!! There’s a part of you that will never be the same and a part that I think will always be numb and the biggest part that just feels a huge void!! As much as life goes on there’s a part of me that can not move forward, a part that is stuck in that dreadful ICU room holding you, clinging onto you after you took your last breath, praying and hoping with everything in me that it was all just a really bad nightmare! There are little details I don’t remember, I don’t know if I blocked them out or what but those little blackouts in the days before your untimely unfairly death and the days that followed is a part of what got me through it all and obviously the other part, the biggest part, is God!! I had to cling onto him or I would not have made it! There are times that I feel so horribly guilty for not remembering and I feel that I am forgetting you by not remembering every little detail!

There is always at least one thing every day that reminds me of you!!! Whether it’s a song, or someone talking about some random thing, a smell, or seeing something on tv. Wishing desperately it could be more than a just a feeling or a memory!!! I know one day we will be together again, hugging, laughing, and running together but that day just can NOT come soon enough!!!

No matter the changes that life brings you will never be left behind!! You will always, no matter how many years have passed, always be in my heart and a part of whatever it is that I am doing with my life! You will always be in every thought, every decision, and every move I make!! Just because you are not here on Earth with anymore does NOT mean you have left my life or my heart!!! I love you, my sweet pea, my sugar!!!

Mommy

August 20, 2010

Oh boy sweet pea has life changed!!! You have two new foster sisters that are definitely keeping me super busy!! J Mackenzie which is now 6-wks old, I got her when she was just 2-days old!! It’s been so super fun watching her grow and develop! She is smiling and just beginning to coo! She’s even rolled over a few times already! I think you have been watching over her nudging her not to sleep!! J Kitana is 6-yrs old and she’s been with us for just a couple of weeks. She is such a sweet little girl! She has some great imaginative stories that she comes up withJ She starts kindergarten next week! I hope and pray that you are watching over these two special little girls, they need an extra guardian Angel!! And who better than you?! I love you soooo very much and NO ONE will ever take your place my sweet precious Angel!! Loving you and wishing so badly that you were here to share in all of this!!

Mommy

Happy 11^th Birthday my Sweet Precious Angel!!

One Wish

Your time here was shorter
than I wanted it to be,
and every moment you've been gone,
there's emptiness in me.

I hoped we'd have a lifetime
that I could share with you,
I hoped and wished for many things
that now will not come true.

But no matter what may come my way,
I'll always have one wish:
to tell you, now and ever more;
how much you're loved and missed!

I'm sending this message

To you my sweet Angel up above,
Delivered through prayer,
From a heart filled with love!

Mommy

Monday May 24, 2010

Happy Birthday Sugar!

Who knew before I had you that I could ever love someone so much! To think of all the memories we have had together! J I can not believe how much a little girl could change me and teach me! I wish so badly that you were here and we could celebrate your birthday in a big way!! To think of all your past birthday memories from the hotel getaways, the parties, sneaking you ice cream and cake ;), and the extra special outings!! I wonder what city you would have picked to stay in this yearL I wonder what big outing we would have done for your special 11!! I wonder what you would be like if you were still here and the things you would have liked!!!!! Now I just live off memories and pray everyday I never forget anything! I still want to throw the big parties for you even though you are not physically here; I just want to celebrate your birthday and most importantly celebrate your life!! You are my sweet precious daughter and NO parent should ever have to stop having birthday celebrations for their children! My new birthday tradition for you is going to Give Kids the World the weekend of your birthday every year! This year I have a few extra people going with me to celebrate!! How cool! Just like when you were here on this Earth YOU are changing people, even now in Heaven YOU are still changing people, even people who have never physically met you but who are touched by who you were!!

Happy Birthday Katelyn, my sweet Angel!

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