Katelyn Renee Shumaker

April 10, 2009

I was talking to your dad the other day and we can not even believe that it’s been 1 ½-yrs since you called Heaven your home! It sounds cliché but in some ways it seems impossible that its been that long and at others it seems like a whole lifetime ago that I held you and seen your beautiful smile and heard your amazing contagious laugh!!! I can’t believe my life has been turned inside out and upside down this last year! It’s NOT fair…you went way too soon!!!! In this time I am still not sure where my life is going and what I’m suppose to do with it. I think about all the things I’m doing and can’t help but feel guilty for doing them because I know our life would have such a differnt course if you were here.

I keep thinking about your birthday next month. We had such big plans for the BIG 10!! I am so torn on how to celebrate your birthday this year! I have a few ideas but not sure which way is the most appropriate. And none of them seem right without you physically here!! I am so extremely blessed to have you as a daughter!! I know I’m a little bias but I don’t think that there is a more wonderful, smart, beautiful, and intelligent daughter out there! J I love you more than life itself and hope I show that to you each and every day! I’m sending you, tonight and always, a million bear hugs and a trillion Angel kisses!

Sweet dreams my sweet pea!!! I LOVE YOU!

Wednesday March 11, 2009

Katelyn I love you so much! Today I talked to an old friend from high school and he saw some of your pictures. He said he could see me in you and he thought you had one of the happiest smiles he had ever seen! That meant so much to me, in a way I don’t think I could really explain. It’s bitter sweet though. It makes me so extremely sad to know of the people from my past I might run into again and the people I will meet in my future will never have the blessing of knowing you! How misfortunate for the world!! You better believe I will share story after story and picture after picture until there is not a breath left in me…. but its just not the same!! I love you with all my heart plus so much more and life its self will never be the same again. You were and always are the light of my world!!! I love you sweet pea!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet dreamsJ

February 14, 2009

Just wanted to say Happy Valentines Day. I think of you and remember you ALWAYS!! Hope you liked your crazy daises! They are "your flower". Wish I was there to actually come and see you and wish you personally a great valentines day:( 

Anyways I love you with all my heart and soul. I know you are having an awesome Valentine in Heaven and can´t wait to spend it with you!! Love you and I am sending you tons of huge bear hugs and millions of Angel kisses tonight like every other night!

Jena says hi and says she is thinking of you! 

February 2, 2009

Hey sweetie! Aunt Chelle got married this weekend in Pigeon Forge! The wedding was absolutely gorgeous as was Aunt Chelle! I am so thankful you got to know both your new uncles (Jamie and Eric) before you got too sick! On our way home from Tennessee yesterday I was thinking of the last time I was there. It was with you!!! Remember? You, mommy, and Karen took a road trip to Tennessee to see Grandma Joan when she got real sick. We stayed for a weekend saying our extremely sad goodbyes to Grandma and headed home only to have to take you to Childrens ER. You only had to stay one night. Unfortunately Grandma Joan passed on that nightL Heaven was sure lucky to get her as Heaven was to get youJ I’m so extremely grateful she was there to greet you on your grand entrance!

I took one of your pillows to work with me today to put on my chair. In the middle of the morning I saw a small stain on your pink pillow. It kind of paralyzed me for a brief moment! It was a medicine stain. I knew exactly what med it was and exactly when, where, and how it got there! It was from when we went to the Christina Aguilera concert and we had to give your meds to you in the van. For that brief moment I could see the whole night replaying itself and even smell the medicine. It was the Co-Q10, the one that actually smelled good. I remember Aunt Ashley shot it all over the roof of the van and all over the back seat and obviously on your pillowJ She didn’t know her own strengthJ At the same time replaying this all in my mind I tried to stop it, afraid I would fall apart or get too down if I felt to much of your memoryL I get so frustrated with myself because sometimes I suppress certain things and stop myself from reminiscing because its to painful. But it shouldn’t be that way, it’s just that sometimes it’s very hard to remember to many details because it’s just a vivid reminder of how much I’ve lost!!! I will ALWAYS love you and ALWAYS remember you!! I’ve said this before and will say it again…I was so extremely lucky to have had you in my life!! And as sad as I am for me to be without you I am just as happy for you to be in Heaven; such an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful place!!

Friday January 23, 2009

I am so glad the website is back up and running! I really missed being able to get on here to light candles, look at pictures, just hearing your songs, and feeling closer to you!! I know you are all around me but sometimes I just need that little extra "you" with me!! 3-wks from today I will be heading back to Guatemala for another life changing experience!! Oh Katelyn I can not wait and hope and pray I will feel you with me as strongly as I did before, as selfish as that is I do. I love you so much and I think of you all the time but still fear I'm forgetting:( I desperately wish I could hold you right now and squeeze you and just cuddle with you all day!!! My heart breaks over and over again knowing I will never be able to do that again in this lifetime I love you so very much with ALL my heart and soul! I'm sending you all the hugs and kisses in the world! Til the day we embrace each other again I'm loving you and thinking of you always!!! Sweet dreams sweet pea!!! XOXOXO

Tuesday January 6, 2009

Oh my how I miss you!! We had a private family viewing tonight for grandpa. Seeing him lay in the casket and feeling his skin brought so many memories back but at the same time I realize there are so many things I don’t remember. So many things are a blur and I desperately want to remember them, how can I not remember the last moments?! I would give anything to see you physically one more time and be able to touch you again!! Afterwards we went back to grandpa’s house and Audrey told me that grandpa was in Heaven with you playing and getting into trouble!! J She also told me that I needed to tell you both to stop and smack your butts if you didn’t behave. She then proceeded to say you would just laugh at me!! That’s exactly what you would do!! It’s so funny and amazing how a 3-yr old can remember you so well!! It seems surreal that grandpa has joined you! I see grandma going through some of the same things I did when you passed on and I don’t know what to do for her because I still don’t know how I get through the days or how I did then so what can I possibly do to help her through this.

To Grandma Joan, Riddick, Katelyn, Grandma Martha, Dakota, and Grandpa Dave I miss you all and love you so much. I know I never told any of you enough how much you meant to me!! Sending you all tons of hugs and kisses!!

December 24, 2008 

Christmas Without You

Christmas without you here with me,
can never possibly be the same.
But I carry an Angel within my heart;
one so precious, who has your name.

..

An Angel forever watching over me,
at Christmas time and over the year.
Although you can’t be here anymore,
inside my heart, you are so very near.

.. 

There is no special present for you,
wrapped under my Christmas tree.
But I have a greater gift to give to you,
all the love you can still feel from me.

..

No, Christmas time without you here,
could not ever possibly be the same.
But, I have had the precious gift of you,
and the memories and love, will remain.

Another Christmas without you is unbearable! We should be planning “snacks” for Santa and his reindeer. You should have already opened one present and played the evening away. I should be “trying” to get you to go to sleep so Santa can come. We should be waking up together in the morning to open all of your presents and spending the day together. I should be able to physically see your big beautiful smile and your amazingly intense captivating eyes! Unfortunately I have to wait to do all those things again until it is in His plan! Faith is such an awesome thing, I could not do any of this without it and without God and you by my side!! I know you will have a divine and glorious Christmas! I just pray I can feel you this Holiday season looking down on me smiling your contagious beautiful smile!! Merry Christmas sugar I love you with all my heart and soul plus so much more!!

December 23, 2008

Hey sweet pea! The secret I shared with you this morning makes my laugh and smile when I think how you would react to it if you were physically here! I see it playing out a few different ways but every way has you being your ornery little self!! I love with you all my heart and miss you with every breath!!

December 3, 2008

Katelyn I have felt so distant from you latelyL I pray that I feel you each and every day and another memory floods me….I got in your play closet tonight. It was hard but I just needed to feel some of your things. I found baby Andy, your first boy baby doll. I remember the day you got him! Of course one of your many gifts while in the hospital. This time was during Christmas in 2004. You were there for over 3-wks and we got to come home on Christmas Eve. I remember your hospital room was all decked out for the Holidays thanks to all your friends and especially Jody for your very own Christmas tree and all the lights! I think we needed an extra vehicle just to bring home all of your thingsJ That Christmas was so special to me, I was extremely thankful to have you here with me…we almost lost you twice that stay but you fought your way back like you always did!!! That was the time your spasms really flared up and never really went away! You endured so much throughout your short precious life!! It amazes me beyond words every time I think of how much you went through daily and what a fighter you were!! Someone told me the other day that you got your strength from me but they were so wrong!!!!!! I learned my strength and courage from you!!!!!! I was asked today if Christmas was hard for me now! Honestly Christmas just isn’t the same; I don’t even look at certain things in the same way as I once did. Everything is just different. The truth is a part of every day is hard, it doesn’t matter what day the calendar says it is!

Baby I love you so very much!

I’m sending you a million bear hugs and a trillion Angel kisses!!

I dream of the day I can hold you in my arms again!!

November 22, 2008

My sweet Katelyn, how I miss you and love you!! As the Holidays grow near I dread them so much! I think numbness and shock got me through the Holidays last year! I still have times of both numbness and shock even now. They both are a blessing in disguise, it helps me get through a lot of my days and nights! I was talking to Sam’s parents the other night (I hope you have had the honor to meet Sam, he passed away the same day you did but in Iraq for ALL. He is a true hero!) We were talking about what we go through every day. The word Sam’s dad used was torture! Its true, that word fits it perfectly! It is real torture to wake up day in and day out knowing you will not see your precious child again in this lifetime. I DO have peace and comfort in the fact that I will see you in Heaven and that alone keep me going but I’m selfish and want you here NOW with me! I want to hold you, kiss you, brush your hair, play games with you, hug you, cuddle with you, and even make you mad!! You are and were my BEST friend and I, even now 13-months later, can NOT imagine life without you in it! There are so many things I want to share with you and people I want you to meet! I talk to you all the time and I know you’re with me in my heart but it’s not the same! I want your big beautiful eyes staring back at me and your expressions to let me know what you think of whatever it is we would be talking about! AN “I miss you” doesn’t even begin to cover it, there are NO words that can truly describe what I feel for the loss of you!!

I love you Katelyn with my whole heart, body, and soul!!

October 25, 2008

Hi my sweet beautiful Angel! I went to my parent support meeting the other night and Bobby was there. She was the chaplain that met mommy and daddy right after you passed on. You would have loved her! Her personality is alot like yours!! She asked all of us in the meeting what are some of the first descriptive words that come to mind when you think of your children. My answer was ornery, loving, and infectious! When I think of your smile, laugh, or even your cry anyone around you would just melt. The abundant amount of love and warmth you had amazes me! At the meeting we were talking about the Holidays. I remeber how much you loved to think of unique goodies to leave Santa and his reindeer! Your name and your memories make me smile and feel lucky that you were a part of my life! How I miss you and my heart aches for you!!! I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

Friday October 10, 2008

Here we are 1 whole year later:( How things have changed, I wish every day we could go back in time and be together again. Remembering the details of the last 2 ½-wks of our life together 1-yr ago is unbearable and unimaginable. I would truly never wish this on anyone! The flashbacks of the horrific details haunt me more so than usual lately. I feel I failed you as a mother and as an advocate in the things you had to endure. The time that has passed seems so surreal! One year later and I still don’t have a clue who I am without you! Half the time I am still so devastated or I’m numb and pretend my life isn’t what it is really is. Somehow though reality always has a way of slapping me in the face!! Kind of ironic that I'm 30-yrs old and still want to live in a pretend world!

Aunt Ashley and I were there at the cemetary with you exactly at your anniversary "Angel Day". When I got home I slept in your bed with your favorite channel on! I wanted so badly to remember the many nights you and mommy had spent in your room and I needed to feel you and feel closer to you! I spent most of the morning and afternoon listening to your music and doing some of your favorite activities. I proudly wore the shirt we had done in your memory and honor! Katelyn you shaped my life and who I am in so many ways, I am a better person because of YOU! Life will forever be changed without you by my side. But with Gods grace I have the strength to go on  until He calls me home! Baby, I love you so much and miss you!

Your cousin Audrey (she is 3-yrs old for those reading this) spent the night with me the other night. After I picked her up and we were on our way to the house she asked if anyone would be there. I told her that it would just be the two of us. She asked “where’s Katelyn?”. I commented by asking her back. She answered “Heaven”. I said yes she is and just left it at that. A few moments later she asked “Can Katelyn walk there?” I said happily “of course she can”. Then she said with a big smile on her face “I bet Katelyn is running around up there”. I laughed and said I bet you’re right! It made me feel good to know that she remembers you and how special you are! She went to the cemetery with me that day and talked to you just like I would and blew you a kiss. To see your cousins, all so much younger than you, remember you and talk about you really amazes me! I’m honored that they talk about you all the time and I am so appreciative that they remember little things about you. I hope and pray that they don’t forget being as young as they are. Audrey slept with me in my bed and it made me think of one of the many times after you were out of the hospital that we both slept in my bed together for at least a couple of weeks. You were still pretty sick and fragile and I didn’t want you more than an inch away from me and I desperately needed “my bed” so I made my room work for us. Anyhow there was one imparticular morning I woke up and looked at you and you were already awake just staring at me with this little smirk on your face. You were so precious!!!!! I remember telling you not to move because I just had to get a picture! With that said of course you listened!! LOL There is a lot of times where I remember that snapshot moment along with a million of others and wish my heart away that we could have that morning again! You are so beautiful and precious my sweet pea! Your dad said it perfectly in a candle he lit for you “Thank-you for all the joy you have given me”!!!!!!!! I love you and I'm sending you big bear hugs and sweet Angel kisses all the way up to Heaven just from me!

Wednesday September 10, 2008

11-months today!L That 1-yr marker is coming up and I know a lot of us are NOT ready for that, especially me!!! I dread every month on the 10^th, it’s like a reality check that you’re gone and too many memories flood me especially on that day. The 1-yr anniversary I do NOT want to even think about! I miss you SOOOO much and I keep wishing this was all a horrible nightmare but its not, its real lifeL I have heard so many people say that it gets easier with time and I know everyone means well but it REALLY DOES NOT! In many ways it gets harder. I truly don’t know if anyone gets that! It’ll be the 1-yr date from when you left me then thanksgiving then Christmas and then New Years Eve—all of which I am dreading! I want you here with me for those days and every other day!!!!

I got a letter from the school that on Tuesday they are doing a tree dedication in your honor along with the other children that passed away from your school on various dates. What an honor! Of course it’s on a Tuesday and in the middle of the day so I really do not think there is any way I will be able to go! It breaks my heart to think I won’t be able to be there but at the same time I am not sure I could emotionally do it right now. I am going to call and ask if they can record it and/or take pictures for me!

Sweet pea I love you so much!! I see you and feel you all around me all the time! A friend at work told me today that she regrets not getting to know you before and she and her family missed out! I feel that with every new person I meet. They have no idea what they are missing in their life by not getting to physically meet you! I can tell story after story (and I usually doJ) but they will truly never get what an awesome, loving, strong, intelligent, ornery, and beautiful little girl you really were! The world is truly missing out! I love you with all my heart plus so much more!

August 2008

It amazes me that I felt closer to you in another country than I do sometimes in our own home! I think I just try not to feel or just look past a lot of things here because although it brings good memories it also brings the badL I definitely felt you everywhere! Maybe I just needed fresh eyes! I got the message with the orange butterfly!!! Jena and I felt your presence with the photo album in our roomJ I really felt you when our boat broke down in the middle of the lake, coincidence or not? I think NOT, especially since I saw the big beautiful white butterfly minutes before! LOL I just had to laugh! Baby, I am so proud to have been so lucky and fortunate enough to be picked as YOUR mom!!!!! I truly love you with all my heart and you are ALWAYS in my heart, thoughts, and prayers! Noone will ever take your place and as long as I have a breath in me noone will ever forget you!!